Monday, September 15, 2008

We're not swapping Hello Kitty BFF bracelets

Last night one of my newer friends called me crying to the point where it sounded like she was starring in some gang bang porno and had at least 3 dicks in her mouth. Couldn't understand a damn word she said. And I really don't enjoy the noise of someone sobbing uncontrollably, especially a grown ass woman. So I immediately thought someone had died. Trying to get any information out of her that made the least bit of sense was like trying to decipher Lassie's barks and grumbles; "What's that girl? Little Timmy's in trouble?"

Finally I just had to ask "Lisa, did someone die?". "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" she squealed.

Between her weeping and the occasional sound of her sucking snot back up into her nose she managed to ask if she could just come over. "I need a friend to talk to" she explained to me.

Um.....yeah......I am not the friend to come to if you are having problems with your boyfriend, or you think your haircut makes you look fat, or if you just need a shoulder to cry on and someone to smile, nod and agree with you while you whine on and on about how bad you have it. I'm the friend you should probably avoid at all costs when you're feeling bad about yourself because I won't tell you what you want to hear. In fact, I might make you want to kill yourself. But I let her come over anyway.

I'm not a comforting person. If you tell me you feel like a loser because you just got fired and your boyfriend is cheating on you, I'm probably going to agree. When all you want is someone to tell you how amazing you are and how everything will turn around, call someone else. Because not only will I harp on how hard it is to find a job in this city and how expensive rent is, but I'll probably mention that if you have to move back in with your parents, that boyfriend that is most likely banging strange pussy on the side will absolutely leave you for good. I state the truth and point out the obvious. I don't do a happy dance and sprinkle fairy dust on your problems.

Optimism is fine, but if you come to me saying you want advice, I'm going to give it to you Steph style and I promise you'll wish you'd called your fat friend you've been avoiding for months.

So while Lisa thought she was coming over for some generic "everything will be ok" bullshit she got a hard dose of reality and didn't like it all too well. I shocked her into straight up silence. I'll be surprised if she's still alive today.

I truly am incapable of sugar coating. If you want the truth and more, I'll gladly let you use up all my toilet paper to wipe your nose and tell you all the truth you can handle.

I don't believe in the pat on the back and the nod of reassurance. Because sometimes everything isn't going to be alright. Sometimes life won't work itself out. Sometimes you're not "better off". Sometimes you really fucked yourself over this time and you're going to have to bust your ass and stop wasting time crying to fix it.

Dan is coming out this weekend. See, this arrangement is perfect because I can allow myself to get a little giddy with excitement knowing he'll be here. I'm not dreading his mere presence in this city. I have something to look forward to and when we're done and he packs his bag and goes back home I'll also be excited to have my life back.


Memphis Steve said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Memphis Steve said...

OK, sorry for the fuck-up. Let me try one last time.

I was reading along and when I came to the part where she asked if she could just come over I was thinking "oh shit, do you not know Steph AT ALL?" Apparently she does not.

Have you ever considered killing the stupid bitches who took over the Dear Abby/Ann Landers columns and taking their jobs? I'd love to hear your responses to those morons who write in to them for advice, only to receive the most useless PC bullshit ever puked out onto a printed page since Rosie O'Donnell had a magazine.

Blogosaurus Rex said...

Honesty is better than lying to someone just to make them feel better. Too many people do that.

momtoabean said...

I can't listen to people cry either. It isn't that I don't care or just makes me uncomfortable. Cry in your room alone in the dark, or in your car, like the rest of the normal people! Don't subject your friends to it.

And as for what Steve wrote about the Dear Abby should totally do that.

Gitwaaltk said...

next time give her my number and say this guy cares for 4.99 a min and does pornographic voices for free.

travistee said...

hi, i surfed over here from Memphis. you are the kind of friend i like to have because I can't STAND it when people say, "Don't worry, it's all going to be okay." Sometimes it's just not, and I'd rather have someone around me who understood reality every bit as well as I do.