Tuesday, September 9, 2008

No one should be up this early unless they're getting laid...and I'm not

It is obnoxiously early. I feel like I'm on meth. I really should not be awake this early in the god damn morning. I feel a great amount of pity for whatever poor asshole so much as looks at me the wrong way today because a sleepy Steph is a grumpy Steph and a grumpy Steph might kill people.

I'm annoyed by Lindsay Lohan and I wouldn't feel bad, or even be surprised, if she ended up coked up and dead with her head in the toilet in the bathroom of some dirty, trendy L.A club. Why is she allowed to live? Who really cares if she's licking the carpet of the bull dyke d.j that I'm still not entirely convinced is even a real woman? She drives me utterly insane and having to hear the constant blathering from her Long Island trash mother and her jailbird dad is making me homicidal.

What I can't stand about any celebrity is when they refuse to confirm whether or not they're dating someone. I don't particularly care who's banging who, but it seems so unproductive to make a big deal out of denying it. Sure, everyone has a right to privacy but don't you kind of give up a good portion of that when you CHOOSE to be in the entertainment industry? It's not like anyone gets into acting thinking it's a lowkey profession. No one is oblivious to the prying eyes of the press and drama-hungry super fans who want to know everything from who their favorite celeb is deep throating these days to what kind of toilet paper they use to wipe their ass. And I think they garnish way more attention by denying who they're dating than they would if they just said "yeah, I'm having hot monkey sex with him". No one can stalk you and try to get your secrets out if you've already told them all.

Wow, just spent a lot of time ranting about celebrity life. Do you see what being up this early has done to me?

Last night I went to Target to mindlessly walk around and spend too much money on a bunch of shit I didn't need because that's what Target does to everyone. You go in for tampons and shampoo and come out with camping equipment, a dozen eggs, a training bra and 16 packs of gum. There I was reacquainted with a huge pet peeve of mine; fat ass people using the god damn electric scooter cart.

Just because you're a lard ass and can't put down that 18th cupcake doesn't mean you get to shovel your enormous ass into an electric cart and roll around a store like you own the fucking place. You're not handicapped, you're just huge. And the walk around the store might actually do you a little good.

These people are always assholes too and never know how to properly work the damn thing. The take up the entire aisle and give you attitude when you try to squeeze past them. They'll back up without bothering to see if they are about to run over a small child and if they do happen to hit something or someone it's obviously not their fault. I mean, they're fat. We should feel sorry for them because they have no self control or willpower.

I really hate fat people.


momtoabean said...

Right?!?!? Don't walk (read: waddle) your ass into the store and hop on an electric cart. That is why you are fat!

Memphis Steve said...

I say we lock up the scooters and make people show some sort of handicap card before letting them dump their fat asses into the seat. Problem is, lots of fat asses have other ways of getting those handicap placards and they use them. I used to work with a big fat cow who got one. She was proud of it, too. She thought the special parking meant she was a big shot. All she was was big. Years later I saw on the news where the city condemned her house and she was trying to raise money to save it. I had to laugh. Everything she ever had was given to her and now she was on TV asking for a free house. Bitch.

Gitwaaltk said...

Great Blogging all about the things that Matter in life now it's time for you to take on Palin and her knocked up daughter

Lolita said...

I'm sorry but I have to admit... when I have to squeeze by a lard ass.. it ALWAYS makes me feel skinny! And I like feeling skinny. And I hope it makes them realize how fat they really are.

Blogosaurus Rex said...

Some of these people have really huge asses. If some woman has a ridiculously fat ass, how does she take a shit? Like, does she need a special toilet? And how the hell does she wipe it. She must have.... assistance. ewwwwww.....