Sunday, September 21, 2008

Douches and alcohol are never a good mix

Men, just because you buy a drink for a chick doesn't mean she's going to take you home and hop on your bologna pony. True, There are some girls that are skanky, desperate and didn't bring their wallets and they are more than happy to trade coochie for free drinks all night. I'm not one of those special ladies. And really, who wants to fuck some gutterwhore that's willing to dish it out to any guy that hands her a free cranberry and vodka? You're just asking for peepee warts. This is how epidemics start.

I love how there are the guys that feel they are owed something if they open up their wallets and shell out those $6 for beer and then act genuinely moronic and downright prick-y when they don't get that "something" they feel is coming to them. Seriously, since when does $6 buy you a handjob? This isn't Mexico and there you're probably running the risk of that hot senorita who only charges a 5 spot not being ALL senorita.

Thursday night I went out with a few of my girls for our new tradition; Thirsty Thursdays. We figure if you slap a cute name on a drinking event it sounds a little less like we're borderline alcoholics getting plastered on a week night. We ran into plenty potential drink buyers, however because I don't like to hear grown men whine I have recently decided to stop accepting free drinks. I love nothing more to take advantage of a walking hard-on, however having to clean up his broken soul when he learns he's not penetrating my panties is a task I don't enjoy undertaking when I'm 6 beers in. However, there was a particularly cute guy who kept insisting on buying me a shot. At first I said no, but after he sat and actually talked with my group for a good while I decided to take him up on his offer thinking it couldn't end badly. Oh no, turns out he was just putting in some serious time and logging the man hours for what he was sure was going to be an easy score.

We decided to hit up another bar and he asked for my number. I gave it to him, whatever. Then he asked if I wanted to maybe meet up later. I told him I would have to see if the girls wanted to journey to another bar or if we would soon be calling it a night. Then he said, "No, just me and you. I can give you directions to my place and you can come over when you're finished with your friends." At this point Kiki starts laughing because she knows what's about to happen and she is always amused by my bar antics.

I snatched my phone number out of his hand and said "you're not getting laid tonight, at least not by me." and I started to walk off. He yelled after me "You're probably a lousy lay anyway. Thanks for saving me the trouble of having to embarrass you." Can you point out where this douche made a terrible error in judgement?

I immediately turned around, threw the nearest drink in his crotch and said "The only person here who should be embarrassed is the dude that came in his pants just THINKING about having sex with me. Try a new pick up strategy dude, you're a little weak. That shit only works on underage girls and bitches who are so drunk they're puking in the parking lot." What a fucker!

Dan didn't come out this weekend. He kind of almost stood me up. I was literally in the car on the way to the airport to pick him up when he called me to say "something came up" and he wasn't on the flight. Uh...ok. I really don't care that he didn't come out to see me. I do care that I wasted 20 minutes of my life driving to the airport right after I got off work. Seriously, he couldn't call, I don't know, a few HOURS earlier to let a sista know he isn't coming. Unless he's Superman and some kid was stuck in a well I'm pissed.


Anonymous said...

I used to read your blog years ago and am so glad to see you're back! Thankfully I'm married and a mom, which is pretty much like mace to men. I couldn't do the whole bar scene thing anymore. I don't have the patience.

Blogosaurus Rex said...

6 bucks for a beer?!?!? What the hell are you folks drinking down there?

Steph said...

sugarchub- good to have you back and reading me again

rex- Jesus' sperm

Memphis Steve said...

Seriously, you should have a column in a magazine somewhere, probably Maxim, where you teach men how NOT to screw things up with women and get alcohol thrown on their crotches. In the meantime, though, this free advice thing kicks ass!

Sorry to hear about Dan. I don't know what to make of that. Hopefully he'll be smart enough to explain later.

momtoabean said...

Right?!? Like a beer justifies you getting into my pants.

Maybe 15 beers. And that's only because I might be too drunk to care at that point.

Lolita said...

$6 for a BEER?! Then again when I lived in VA they were quite expensive. I think I'll stay in this hell hole for now where the beer is $1.50. Maybe you should come here and we can man bash!? Oh the fun we'd have!!! :) Useless pricks. Sorry you didn't get laid this weekend but what'd I tell ya- no man named Dan can be good!

Gitwaaltk said...

LMAO I was just about to buy you a beer and since when do you wear panties? WTF I thought you were KEWL LMAO

Jon said...

One of the guys I work with thinks I am a pussy for not being more forward with women (like the guy you just dis-ed). OK, maybe I could "score" more, but what the fuck would that say about me?

Thank you for being a voice of reason... Ya, that's right I said reason.

Memphis Steve said...

OK, you've done it to us again. You're here and then gone. Where you at, woman?

Westcoast Weirdo said...

We call ours Thirsty Thursday too ;) Woohoo!!